The Battle belongs to the Lord!

I honestly thought when I started this blog that I would only write about my kids and our journey with autism. Now I feel led to write about my own personal struggle with weight. I guess God wants me to "bare all"... eek!
     This is important because what happened with me affected my children, Michael, my whole life! Right in the middle of discovering what was going on with my kids, I FINALLY started to do what I needed to do to deal with my own problems. I had struggled with my weight since I was very young, but it had gotten to a desperate point. If I was going to be able to be there for my family, to fulfill this calling of caring for my very special kids, and be healthy and strong, something had to give!

 This is me holding Lucy, May 2003.

This is me and Lucy Kate, April 2003

     Weight loss or gain is not just a physical thing! It is spiritual, emotional, psychological. NOBODY likes to talk about "why" they are overweight, BUT EVERYONE likes to talk about what to do about it. Diets, pills, exercise, surgery, etc... are some of the most popular topics to discuss and it has become its own multi-billion $ industry! I tried all kinds of things before. But, I never really gave it my all. I "tried". I would always give up and give in to my cravings or my need to comfort myself with food. God had been dealing with my heart for a long time, and basically what happened is I finally decided to give in and cooperate with Him. As soon as I had Lucy Kate (2003), I began to ask GOD what to do and what to change instead of listening to what everyone else was telling me. I was desperate! I figured He made this body and He knew what would work.
     God is SO gracious and kind. He took me by the hand and we began to address just one thing at a time. The very first thing He told me to do was to change all "white bleached flour" products to whole wheat and whole grain. That's all. Then after I got that, He had me start exercising everyday. After a couple of weeks, I cut sugar intake to one small dessert a day.  As I began to learn how to hear His voice and obey in each little thing, I could tell a change was happening... not on the outside, but on the inside! I had not lost one pound by the end of the first month, and I began to feel discouraged. My brother Enoch was attending Morehead State University at the time and he was studying physical education. I told him that I was not losing and he encouraged me. He said, "Marty, your body is fighting you! You have scared it by making these changes, and it is doing everything it can to hold on to the weight! Don't give up! Keep on! It will give up eventually and you will start losing!" Not a week after our talk, Dad went into the hospital with his heart problems! Boy, was that a KICK IN THE BUTT! I knew that I could not give up. I was 100 lbs. overweight, and there were heart problems, diabetes, cancer, strokes, and all kinds of junk on both sides of my family. I wanted to be there for my kids!!!
     I don't want to focus TOO much on the physical part of my story... I want to make sure that you know that the most IMPORTANT THING was God was doing a work on my insides - my heart! My part in all this really was to let Him in to do the work. I had put up "walls" all my life around hurts and idols and pain and sin and abuse and I had dealt with it by shoving it down and anesthetizing myself with FOOD. It was easier to run from the pain and ignore it. In order to really change, I had to be willing to go under the "knife"-  the Sword of the Spirit of God's Word and let Him do surgery. I had to be willing to go back and walk through some awful things with Him holding my hand. The Holy Spirit is such a Gentleman! Yes, it hurt to remember the pain, the shame... but He was right there the whole time, HEALING ME and setting me FREE!
     My heart began to turn towards Him... I began to truly fall in love with my Savior! I realized that all the I had ever needed was in Him! When I was hurt, I needed HIM! When I sinned and I felt condemned, I needed HIM, not chocolate to drown my sorrows in or to dull the pain. HE HAD THE ANSWERS to ALL the questions! I began to fall in love with the truths in God's Word. The Truth was setting me free from a prison of fat. Seriously!
     All of this was important because not only did I need to be thinner and healthier so I could chase my kids around and hold them when they were having a fit or work with them in all the physical ways I needed to, I needed to be sensitive with my ears unclogged so I could hear the Spirit direct me in HOW TO HELP THEM.
      You see, everyone seemed to have an opinion on what would be best for my kids (just like everyone has an opinion on how we should lose weight). The internet, the television, doctors, therapists, family, friends... they all wanted to help and so they gave advice on what we should do. "Change their diet..." "Go to such-n-such doctor or therapist or hospital..." "Buy this..." "Put them on medication..." "Give them this supplement..." etc., etc., etc.... I needed to be able to know what GOD was saying. I need His Wisdom because not every child is the same. He created my kids and no One knows them better. What worked for some will not work for all. I have appreciated that others care enough to share the information they could find.
      The other reason my weight and our journey with autism is connected is the fact that God was teaching me that I COULD NOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT HIM! He wanted me to stop trying in my own strength and to learn that the battle is the Lord's! Just like in the story of Gideon, it was good that it seemed impossible for 300 Israelites to win against thousands of enemy soldiers. Just like many other families, we were not given much hope from the world of our kids succeeding at anything. AND, we knew NOTHING! I mean, nothing about autism or what to do. God even warned me about doing too much research... He wanted to receive ALL THE GLORY for the victories He would give us! He wanted me to just obey Him and do what He said whether it made sense or not. For example, He told me to NOT EXERCISE while I lost weight. I stopped after the first two months and as I obeyed, 100 lbs. came off! (It took 2 1/2 years, but it came off.) He has asked me to do some unconventional things with my kids too, and we continue to see victory after victory that can only be attributed to HIM and HIS WORK!

     I have been asked so many times "How did you lose the weight?" I even taught a couple of classes trying to share what I had learned (I don't know if I actually helped anyone or not!) My short answer has been, "Bible study and prayer." That is true. But, I really think the best answer is, "I listened when GOD told me what to do. By His strength and grace, I obeyed, and He changed me from the inside out. He may lead you in a totally different way. The most important thing is that you let Him guide you and let Him deal with the real reasons for your weight gain."

Almost to my goal - 2005

This is me in 2008 holding my niece Kayleigh Anne Short.

     The weight issue is a continuing journey. It is definitely the "thorn in my side". And, it's okay. I have gained little bits back and lost them too. I have had to continually yield myself and choose to turn from my "old ways". But, I can honestly say, only with the grace of GOD am I forever changed and I will NEVER go back. I have listened to God's directions and I have tried it my own way too. BUT, I know I am FREE and I will never be the same again. It has been almost 10 years since Lucy Kate was born and hitting 40 has brought all kinds of new challenges in my weight and health. I can't do what God led me to do before and still be successful (I am sure those of you who are 40+ can understand!) I exercised regularly for two years and then realized I was depending too much on that and I was eating whatever I wanted, so I have stopped until I can get my food intake to be what God wants it to be. I am once again listening for that still small voice as He leads me in paths of righteousness for His sake and His glory! This is a LIFELONG JOURNEY and God is NOT finished with me or my kids yet! Can I get a hallelujah!

Last weekend...me and my honey <3

Which Voice Will I Listen to?

Sometimes I let fear in...
     Like the fear of a fit or an episode with one of my children. Or, the fear of my child never learning what is the right or appropriate thing to do socially. Or the fear that something else will happen to put them in extreme danger like one of them wandering off. There is also a lingering fear that I am not going to do whatever they need to succeed (it will be my fault).Or maybe I am babying them too much. Will they ever grow up to lead independent happy lives? Will they get married? Will I ever have grandkids? Or maybe just the fear of the WHOLE DANG THING...

     Before we knew anything about autism and before Lucy Kate was even born, Jay had his first "fit". We were with our playgroup from our church at the apple orchard. We had scheduled a hayride and a tour, and we were waiting for our turn. We had been there for awhile and all the other kids (mostly girls) were toddling around, pointing at things, and jabbering. Jay was not really paying attention to them. He was exploring, but on his own and I was chasing him around. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy with Lucy Kate. I honestly thought his behavior was a "boy thing", although we had two other boys with us and they seemed to want to be with the other children. 
     Out of nowhere, Jay gets upset. I mean UPSET! Crying, mad, fighting me as I was trying to pick him up, and there was no way to console him. The only thing I could think of to do was take him out to our car and separate him from everyone. This was more out of embarrassment than anything else. I didn't know it at the time, but it was the right thing to do. I didn't have any idea what set him off, but because I got him away from the situation, he was able to calm down. I watched from the car for signs that it was our turn to take the hayride, and thankfully we were able to join our group for the rest of the day. He was almost two when this first episode occurred.
     The next time, we were at Kingdom Karnival, a celebration we have at our church as a substitute for Trick or Treat. He had just turned two September 29. In those days we had this party in the basement of our church and there was barely enough room to turn around! The place was packed with people, decorations, games, sound, and FUN. To Jay, it was too much! At first he seemed okay. Then suddenly he broke down again. I took him to the nursery and he slowly calmed and began to play happily with the toys. Michael followed me, and I told him that this was similar to what he did at the orchard, and the only thing I could think of was that he was "overstimulated". 
     It was about this time that I began to get concerned. I could not explain my feelings. Please remember this important fact - this was 10 years ago. Autism was NOT widely talked about and NO ONE seemed to know the first signs! His vocabulary was mysteriously disappearing when the other children seemed to be talking more and more. I told myself once again that this was a "boy thing" and that I should not worry about it. His doctor supported my theory and that helped. I kept my concerns for the most part to myself. I didn't want other people to think I was a worrier. Jay in general was such a HAPPY baby! He smiled ALL the time and rarely cried. He was SO content to play by himself and was easily amused by me and Michael. He slept well at night and took good naps during the day. He was easy to take care of. We went everywhere with him from day one and never had a worry about him being good and happy. Until...
     I had Lucy Kate in March of 2003. It was becoming evident to me that something might be wrong. My sweet husband bought me "What to Expect From the Toddler Years" and I sat with a newborn in the bassinet beside me in the hospital, extremely hormonal, reading about how my sweet boy did not "meet certain developmental standards." YUCK! I felt my worst fear was being confirmed. I voiced my concerns to Michael, but then shoved them aside. 
     Life became complicated... Dad had his heart issues and spent time in the hospital having heart surgery... I began my weight loss journey... we bought a mobile home and began getting everything ready at the site for it... I was raising a brand new baby and was trying not to worry about Jay who seemed happy to play by himself in his room or to watch tv... we painted and installed new flooring in our new home and after Christmas 2003, we moved (which was no small feat I must add)! I didn't know it at the time, but a dear friend who was an occupational therapist was watching Jay closely, and was starting to talk to my Mom about her observations. 
     Mom broke the news to me slowly and said that our friend wanted to come out to the house and just spend some time one on one with Jay. After her visit, she talked to us about sensory issues (what?), modulation, and developmental delay. She recommended that we get him enrolled into the Public Preschool after Christmas. UGH. "I am a TEACHER!" I thought. "I did not want my baby in school until Kindergarten! I am a stay at home mom! Public???"
I was so upset and torn up. I had NO idea what those words meant that she used to describe Jay. She did not use the word autism. I knew this was serious, but I had no idea what was coming. 
    Then, as I was on the edge of DESPAIR for my sweet boy and his future, my Pastor's wife followed me and Mom out her door after the annual Christmas tea she gives for all the women in our church. She had words of encouragement that changed everything! God was already speaking to me about faith and I was drawing closer to Him everyday in Bible study, but I NEEDED this personal word!!! She told me about her own struggles when she was young and how her mother would take her face in her hands and tell her that "this too shall pass!" They had been told she may never graduate and here she was a retired teacher! She got real close to me, looked me straight in the eye and said, "NOTHING IS TOO BIG FOR GOD! This just happens to be the struggle he will face. Everyone has SOMETHING. Some parents have to deal with their kids taking drugs, drinking alcohol, sleeping around, being rebellious... you won't have to. THIS is the struggle. And God has GOOD things for him. Take him to the public preschool. I worked there for years and they will know how to help him!" 
     So, there it was... which "Voice" was I going to listen to? The voice of fear? The voice of the giant named "Disability" or "Autism"? OR would I listen to the "Voice of Truth"? This song by Casting Crowns became the theme song for that time in my life.
     

 

 

 

God was trying to reassure me... He knew I did not understand. He knew this was the hardest thing I had ever faced. He was cheering me on, and letting me know that He would use this for His glory! He is in control and NOTHING is impossible for Him. I would have to choose every day to listen to Him and not give in to Fear. He has NEVER let me down yet!